“Am I going to be OK?”

I can still clearly see her face; wide eyed, fearful, yet brave enough to ask the question. It was Kathryn an hour or so before our first daughter was born. She was beautiful, vulnerable, and very afraid. I leaned over, rubbed her forehead with the cool, damp cloth and said something along the lines of “Of course you will.”

I have relived that moment hundreds of times. I think of it whenever I want to ponder the most sacred scenes in my life. I was overwhelmed with love for the woman who was soon to be the mother of my child, grateful that I could offer some assurance when she needed it, and I think for the first in my young, charmed life acutely aware of the vast chasm between “of course you will” and “most likely you will.” I tried to hide it but we were both afraid, both wondering if things were going to be OK. Husband, wife, emerging child, life, uncertainty, fear, hope, no idea what was about to happen, etched forever in my memory.

The other day I was revisiting all this when it occurred to me that I often stop the video in my mind right there. It’s like we had that moment and what happened later that afternoon is unconnected to our time of fear and uncertainty. It’s as if it is two separate days. I guess a baby girl’s arrival is kind of a stand alone event.

But it is connected. It was the same afternoon. We were right on the verge and very soon we would be in a new life, a wonderful life. In one late fall afternoon we would go from fear and uncertainty to joy that literally had me jumping, punching, and shaking when I went to the locker room to change out of my scrubs.

I have come to believe that the memory of that incredible afternoon is my life speaking to me. I think it points to a holy message that is a recurring pattern in our journey with God. The truly miraculous meets us in the scariest places. Read that again. Remember that even Jesus wondered if he was going to be OK when he called out “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?”

There are indeed very scary places on life’s path, hard places, heart-breaking places. Sometimes we fall deeply into that chasm between “of course we will be OK” and “not everybody makes it.” But, somehow life and scripture teaches us that those times are not the end of the path, they are doors. Life is coming. Joy is with us even there, even when we don’t feel it. The divine, constant “Do not be afraid,” is present. Our daughter was making her entrance that fear filled afternoon and long ago on that terrible hill the God of Life was about to say, “Arise my Son” to the suffering man on the cross.

Will we be OK? It’s a fair question. Truth is, we may end a particular day not feeling OK but the deepest truth is reflected in that wonderful quote from Julia of Norwich, “All will be well, and every kind of thing will be well.”

Perhaps when we are most afraid it is a signal that birth, new life, is about to happen.